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‘An alcoholic nine-year-old boy who waged a two-year crime spree, including car theft, has become Victoria’s youngest prisoner.

The pint-sized menace was locked up in a secure welfare unit this week as authorities attempt to cure him of alcoholism and stop him committing crimes.

The State Government will be asked to explain how the boy was able to carry out his crime spree and descend into a booze battle without welfare authorities stepping in.

The boy, who began offending at the age of seven, came to police notice 35 times in two years, but he could not be charged because of his age.’

‘Good news, everyone! Here is a story about building my very own Bender. This, as everyone should know, is the foul mouthed, cigar smoking, booze drinking, shiny metal arsed, bending robot from the programme Futurama. More information can be found in the Wikipedia Futurama entry .

Of course just having a Bender that doesn’t do anything would be a waste of time so mine shall be used for a practical purpose. One Bender himself would be proud of. I’ll use him to make beer! This was actually done in the show in the episode “The Route of all Evil”. The idea was suggested to me by my drinking buddy Dave. [..]’

‘Police in Johnson City arrested a Bristol, Virginia, minister for driving under the influence and indecent exposure.

Police say 58-year-old Tommy Tester urinated in front of children at a car wash while wearing a skirt. He will remain free on bond until an October court hearing.

He is also charged with having an open container of alcohol in his vehicle.

Tester is a minister of Gospel Baptist Church and works for Christian radio station W-Z-A-P, 690 A-M. The owner of the radio station, Al Morris, is asking for people to pray for Tester.

A report also accuses Tester of offering police officers oral sex and says an open bottle of vodka and empty oxycodone prescription bottle was found in his car when Tester was arrested Friday.’

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‘People dont realize that being in handcuffs greatly reduces your ability to scratch an itch. While that isn’t a major problem for a lot of people, it is for this guy.’

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‘NASA is investigating sabotage of a noncritical computer due to be flown to the International Space Station aboard the space shuttle Endeavour, which was cleared to lift off on August 7, the U.S. space agency said on Thursday.

NASA revealed the sabotage a day ahead of releasing studies that the publication Aviation Week reported had found astronauts were allowed to fly on at least two occasions despite warnings they were so drunk they posed a flight risk.

The damage to wiring in an electronics box was intentional and obvious, NASA’s associate administrator for space operations, Bill Gerstenmaier told reporters at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida.’

‘Drunk but intent on driving, Jesenia Vega fought off her boyfriend as she left a Centereach block party and got into her car, Suffolk police said.

“You’re going to get arrested,” Louis Wiederer, 26, of Westbury, warned his girlfriend, a witness heard them arguing late Saturday. “You can’t drive like that!”

“Leave me alone!” she said.

With that, Vega, 27, of Carle Place, put her key in the ignition and drove off – as Wiederer hung onto an open window. She continued north, dragging him on the pavement, then underneath her car, before coming to a stop three blocks later, police and witnesses said.

Jay Steiner, 60, a retired nurse, who lives near the scene, rushed to the man’s aid.

“Oh, my God,” Steiner recalled Vega telling him. “Don’t tell me I just killed my fiance.”‘

‘An intoxicated, visually impaired man entered the wrong northeast Harris County home early today and suffered minor wounds after the frightened homeowner fired a shotgun, officials said.

“It was not his residence,” said Lt. Michael Young of the Harris County Precinct 4 constable’s office. “The homeowner requested that this person leave and the interloper refused, insisting it was his house.”

When the confused man advanced on the homeowner, the homeowner fired a round of bird shot that grazed the man on his face and head, Young said.

The man, whose family told deputies he has been involved in similar incidents before, was taken by ambulance to a hospital, where he remained this morning, Young said. The man lives nearby, he said.’

‘Druken yobs are roaming towns and cities like “an occupying army”, MPs claimed yesterday.

But ministers have no idea whether the £3.4billion a year spent tackling yobs is effective.

Anti-social behaviour is turning many places into no-go areas, with a small number of families causing “misery and despair” to their communities, the Commons Public Accounts Committee said. [..]

He said: “No civilised country should have to put up with what can seem like an occupying army loose in the streets.”‘

‘Lindsay Lohan allegedly amused herself in rehab by wandering around naked to shock male patients and staff.

The Mean Girls star – who recently spent 45 days in Malibu’s Promises Centre to be treated for alcoholism – was reportedly overheard bragging about her nude exploits at Allegra Versace’s birthday party.

A source told National Enquirer magazine: “Lindsay was howling with laughter as she told all her friends, including Bruce Willis’ daughter Rumer. They were all giggling too and their eyes were popping out.

“Lindsay said, ‘I drove them all mad wandering around completely naked. They kept telling me to quit, but it was so much fun to tease all those boys. I just couldn’t stop it!’.”‘

‘A man rammed a pool cue into the rectum of a drunken friend with such force it snapped off, leaving 31 centimetres stuck inside his bowel, the Tasmanian Supreme Court in Hobart has been told.

Roofer Matthew Noel Triffett, 21, who’d previously pleaded guilty to a charge of grievous bodily harm, was given a six-month jail sentence, suspended for two years, and was ordered to perform 140 hours of community service. [..]

He said Triffett had used considerable force to thrust the cue into the man’s anus, including lateral force, because it snapped in two. [..]

In crippling pain, the complainant went home and removed the cue from his rectum.

Unable to tolerate the agony any longer, he went to Royal Hobart Hospital three days later and underwent immediate surgery for a perforated colon.’

‘A chubby-faced tearaway nicknamed Chucky after the demonic horror movie doll has been issued with an Asbo after using up 85 per cent of the local police time.

Oliver Clinch, 12, brought chaos and fear to his neighbourhood as he went on an alcohol-fuelled crime spree, smashing windows, stealing, abusing residents in the street and leading other youths ‘like the Pied Piper’.

Clinch’s victims are looking forward to their first peaceful night in more than a year after he was given a two-year anti-social behaviour order.

They hope it will bring to an end the 12-month reign of terror during which

4ft 5in Clinch committed at least 60 offences in Little Lever near Bolton.

PC Graham Westwell told Bolton magistrates that he had spent 85 per cent of his working life dealing with Clinch’s crimes. He said: ‘In my view, these 60 offences in the last year represent only half of the crimes he has committed.’

‘School project, huh?’

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‘A woman accused of killing her daughter by microwaving the newborn in an oven told police she was drunk, but couldn’t recall doing anything that caused the child’s burns, according to testimony Thursday.

China Arnold, 26, is charged with aggravated murder in the Aug. 30, 2005, death of her month-old daughter, Paris Talley. She has pleaded not guilty.

At a pretrial hearing, detective Michael Galbraith testified that Arnold told him during questioning then: “If I hadn’t gotten so drunk, I guess my baby wouldn’t have died.”

But questioned by defense attorney Jon Paul Rion, Galbraith acknowledged that Arnold told him she didn’t know how the baby suffered the burns, and that she had nothing to do with it that she could recall.’

‘A man stopped for drink driving was found to be wearing nothing behind the wheel except his shoes and socks. [..]

He stalled and his car lurched forward, bumping their vehicle. Officers then discovered he was almost naked. [..]

A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service said: “His trousers and top were stuffed into the footwell of the car.

“The passengers in the rear of the car were not apparently aware that he was naked.

“It seems they saw him get out to relieve himself and were unaware that when he got back in the car it was without his clothes on.” [..]

It is understood he never explained why he was driving almost naked.’

‘A 38-year-old man was arrested after he called 911 and told a dispatcher he was surrounded by police officers and needed help, authorities said.

Police officers met Dana Farrell Shelton after being called to investigate a disturbance at a bar on Sunday but had found no problems and told him to move along.

Shelton, who officers said appeared intoxicated, then called 911 to report he was “surrounded by Largo police,” according to an arrest affidavit.
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“Our officers were standing there scratching their heads. He called, standing there in their presence,” Largo Sgt. Melanie Holley said. “It’s one of our ‘truth is stranger than fiction’ cases.”

Shelton was charged with misdemeanor misuse of 911. The charge carries maximum penalties of one year in jail and $1,000 in fines.’

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If you’re drunk enough, your friends face is a suitable substitute for the baseball.

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‘A Nova Scotia man has brought the term “raining on the parade” to a whole new level.

Eighteen-year-old Corey Rondelet appeared in a Pictou court yesterday on a charge of urinating from an upper window onto spectators watching the annual Lobster Carnival parade on Saturday.

Horrified parade-goers told the Mounties a half-naked man was exposing himself and peeing from the window.’

‘I have always loved to cook. I remember being in the kitchen with my grandmother when I was young and begging to do anything I could to help make dinner. I purchased an Italian restaurant in Three Rivers, Michigan in 1999 in hopes of getting the opportunity to bring in some my own recipes. However, the restaurant was so popular before I purchased it, that I was afraid of making any great changes to the menu. We basically continued using the previous owners recipes. So I will express my cooking creativity here on the internet, where there is no danger of going out of business.

I have also always loved beer. [..]’

Tommy Chong and Steven Colbert talk a bit about Paris Hilton.

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‘An 11-year-old Perdido Key girl has been charged with driving under the influence after she led Orange Beach police on a high-speed chase.

Greg Duck, Orange Beach assistant police chief, said the Tuesday night chase — which was caught on a dashboard camera in a police cruiser — started about 10:30 p.m. in Orange Beach near the Florida line. It ended just inside the Gulf Shores city limits when the girl crashed and rolled the Chevy Monte Carlo she was driving. [..]

Police said the car sideswiped another vehicle during the chase, which reached speeds of more than 100 miles per hour. [..]

Duck said the girl told police she was on her way to pick up her sister at a concert in Orange Beach.’

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‘Police officers in the Dutch city of Alkmaar were surprised to see a car passing by with a man sitting on a bicycle on its roof.

The driver and his wife, when stopped by the police, said they heard a noise while waiting at a traffic light, but did not realise they were taking on an extra passenger.

The 26-year-old man who took the free ride was fined for public drunkenness, not carrying an identity card and providing a false identity to the police.’

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‘Comer Wilson hasn’t had to show his ID to buy beer in a while. Maybe it’s the 66-year-old man’s long white beard. Starting Sunday, gray hair won’t be good enough. Wilson and everyone else will be required to show identification before buying beer in Tennessee stores — no matter how old the buyer appears.

“It’s the stupidest law I ever heard of,” Wilson said. “You can see I’m over 21.”

Tennessee is the first state to make universal carding mandatory, says the National Alcohol Beverage Control Association. However, the law does not apply to beer sales in bars and restaurants, and it does not cover wine and liquor.’

‘John Stamos showed up drunk two days in a row while down in Australia promoting ER. After this interview with Kerri-Ann Kennerly Australia cancelled the rest of his interviews and sent him home.’

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‘Gutsy Barry Bradley stunned hotel staff and fellow guests by wolfing down 15 fried breakfasts.

The businessman gobbled 30 sausages, 20 rashers of bacon, 15 fried eggs, three tins of beans, eight tomatoes and an entire punnet of mushrooms in an amazing three-hour sitting.

He also had six bowls of cereal plus one and a half croissants.

And the early morning feast cost him just £7.50 through an all-you-can-eat brekkie deal.

Barry, 47, who runs a building firm, said: “I had a hangover and wanted a way of feeling better.”

A waitress at the Premier Travel Inn in Kent said: “We couldn’t believe it – he looked like he was never going to stop.”‘

‘A 65-year-old St. Louis man is missing after Amtrak personnel, mistaking his diabetic shock for drunk and disorderly behavior, kicked him off a train in the middle of a national forest, according to police in Williams, Ariz.

Police said Roosevelt Sims was headed to Los Angeles but was asked to leave the train shortly before 10 p.m. Sunday at a railroad crossing five miles outside Williams.

“He was let off in the middle of a national forest, which is about 800,000 acres of beautiful pine trees,” Lt. Mike Graham said.

Police said there is no train station or running water at the crossing, which is about two miles from the nearest road, at an elevation of about 8,000 feet.

Amtrak personnel told police dispatchers that Sims was drunk and unruly.

The Sims family said Sims is diabetic and was going into shock.’

‘Russian men are risking death by drinking aftershave and cleaning agents, a study has suggested.

UK researchers estimated that half of all deaths in working age men in the country are due to hazardous drinking.

The products, which also include herbal tinctures sold in pharmacies, are widely available, cheap and contain up to 97% alcohol, the Lancet study says.

It was found that they contain very few toxins but are deadly simply because of the extreme alcohol levels.

Russian men have an “exceptionally low” life expectancy of 59 years, compared with 72 years for women.’