‘Coworker #1: So what’ve you been up to?
Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off.
Coworker #1: Dude, you’re on speakerphone. [..]
Tourist: Is that train going to 18th street?
New Yorker: Yes.
Doors close.
New Yorker: But you’re not. [..]
Cashier: What will it be?
Customer: Large bucket, large fries, four Diet Cokes.
Cashier: Is this for here or to go?
Customer: Does it look like I can eat all that here?
Cashier: Chill, bitch… I don’t know your life! [..]’
I’m not sure how it is in rest of the world, but if you do a Google search for “moonbuggy” from within Australia, you may find that NASA is no longer at the top. 🙂
There’s some amusing images, some music and some video. Good stuff. 🙂
‘A man being held in a Dutch police cell on suspicion of growing cannabis got an unintended treat in his lunch — a piece of hashish-laced cake, a spokesman said Thursday.
“It was an accident,” said Alwin Don, police spokesman in the southern province of Zeeland.
The hash cake had earlier been seized by police in an unrelated investigation and stored in a refrigerator — close to lunch packets served to suspects being held in cells at the police station in Goes, 110 miles south of Amsterdam.
“Clearly it looked a lot like the other lunch packets,” Don said of the hash cake, which was served with a cup of coffee on Sunday.
“Officers returned to the cell a half hour later and the suspect told them: ‘I think you’ve given me something you weren’t supposed to,'” Don said.’
‘Radioactive sample of uranium ore. Useful for testing Geiger Counters. License exempt. Uranium ore sample sizes vary. Shipped in labeled metal container as shown.’
Apparently, people who bought uranium ore also bought the Bender’s Big Score movie DVD. 🙂
‘A cat piano or Katzenklavier (German) is a hypothetical musical instrument consisting of a line of cats fixed in place with their tails stretched out underneath a keyboard. Nails would be placed under the keys, causing the cats to cry out in pain when a key was pressed. The cats would be arranged according to the natural tone of their voices.
The instrument was described by German physician Johann Christian Reil (1759-1813) for the purpose of treating patients who had lost the ability to focus their attention. Reil believed that if they were forced to see and listen to this instrument, it would inevitably capture their attention and they would be cured (Richards, 1998).’
‘A new species of giant rat has been discovered in a remote region of New Guinea by a team of totally freaked-out zoologists.
The scientists from Conservation International spotted the ‘absolutely mental thing’ during a five-day trek through the hazardous Foja mountains.
Expedition leader Professor Wayne Hayes said: “I was filling my water bottle when I saw this huge fucking thing and I shouted to my mate Dave, I said, ‘Dave, look at the size of that fucker!’ and Dave was like, ‘Jesus Christ, it’s a fucking monster!
“I shouted over to Stevie and Ben, I said, ‘get a look at this bastard’ and they’re like ‘no way, man, that’s mental’ – they were totally freaking out.”‘
‘You are bidding on a rare chance to traumatize a treasured friend or relative with baffling, mind-numbing, mystery correspondence from abroad.
Here is the arrangement:
I will be spending the Christmas holiday in Poland in a tiny village that has one church with no bell because angry Germans stole it. Aside from vodka, there is not a lot for me to do.
During the course of my holiday I will send three postcards to one person of your choosing.
These postcards will be rant-ravingly insane, yet they will be peppered with unmistakable personal details about the addressee. Details you will provide me.
The postcards will not be coherently signed, leaving your mark confused, guessing wildly, crying out in anguish.’
‘I walk out to the table. It’s a family of four.
The father’s a no nonsense military looking kind of guy. Seated across from him in the usual soccer mom getup is his wife. Next to her, facing me, a mass of black curls and inexpertly applied makeup, is her teenage daughter. She smiles at me toothily.
The other daughter sits facing away from me – face obscured by a hanging mane of heavy black hair. Her bejeweled fingers tap impatiently on the table top. Probably embarrassed to be seen eating out with her parents.
“Can I get anyone something to drink?” I ask cheerfully.’
‘In a surprising refutation of the conventional wisdom on opinion entitlement, a study conducted by the University of Chicago’s School for Behavioral Science concluded that more than one-third of the U.S. population is neither entitled nor qualified to have opinions.
“On topics from evolution to the environment to gay marriage to immigration reform, we found that many of the opinions expressed were so off-base and ill-informed that they actually hurt society by being voiced,” said chief researcher Professor Mark Fultz, who based the findings on hundreds of telephone, office, and dinner-party conversations compiled over a three-year period. “While people have long asserted that it takes all kinds, our research shows that American society currently has a drastic oversupply of the kinds who don’t have any good or worthwhile thoughts whatsoever. We could actually do just fine without them.”‘
‘God wants me dead. I pissed him off. Pissed him off good. I don’t know what sent him over the edge. Maybe it was my off-colour, sacreligious sense of humour. Maybe it was the bilby I drowned in a duffel bag. Whatever it was, one thing is clear – the great skyfairy wants hardcore vengeance, and he wants it now. Let’s educate you on whats happened so far. If you don’t want to read, I’ll summarise it for you in the next two words.
Get lost.’
It’s a long story, but read it all the way to the end if you’re gonna read it. Or you’ll miss this bit:
“AIE YE DEMONS, I DELIVER THEE UNTO HELL! …BURN IN ETERNAL DAMNATION!” 🙂
‘(+ware) I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and
(+ware) slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get sooo
(+ware) stressed and life seems to get funny?
(+ware) Well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car,
(+ware) looks up at me and says, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”
(+ware) So, I look down at him and say, “Well, which one are you then?”… and
(+ware) THAT’S when the fight started . .’
But over in a cold part of the square is the enclosure of the dark ones.
(6.3meg Flash video)
see it here »
‘A Father Christmas has hung up his Santa suit after he claiming he’s been sacked for saying “ho, ho, ho!”
John Oakes, 70, says he was fired from a department store in Cairns, Australia, for using Santa’s famous greeting and singing carols.
He claims agency employer Westaff ordered their Santas to say “ha, ha, ha” instead of “ho, ho, ho” because “ho” is a derogatory US slang word for a woman.
Mr Oakes told the Cairns Post: “After my shift on Monday, I got a call from my manager telling me my services were no longer required.
“I hadn’t done anything wrong so I asked her why, and she said, “You said ho, ho, ho and that’s not appropriate”.’
‘Cashier: How are you?
Customer: Do you want the honest answer?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: I feel like the business end of a donkey. I am extremely hungover and did a mountain of cocaine last night. Now I have to make dinner for a 68-year-old gay artist who is trying to fuck me.
Cashier: I’m… sorry.
Customer: And the woman I love is in another state pregnant with her ex-boyfriend’s baby, and I wish the baby was mine. And I’m sleeping with a dominatrix. And it’s all true.’
‘SUMMARY
During normal operation or in Safe mode, your computer may play “Fur Elise” or “It’s a Small, Small World” seemingly at random. This is an indication sent to the PC speaker from the computer’s BIOS that the CPU fan is failing or has failed, or that the power supply voltages have drifted out of tolerance. This is a design feature of a detection circuit and system BIOSes developed by Award/Unicore from 1997 on.
MORE INFORMATION
Although these symptoms may appear to be virus-like, they are the result of an electronic hardware monitoring component of the motherboard and BIOS. You may want to have your computer checked or serviced.’
‘”Holy shit.”
Inside the cockpit of the cruising airliner, Captain Bob Pearson was understandably alarmed at the out-of-the-ordinary beeps that were chiming from his flight computer. On the control panel, an amber low fuel pressure warning lamp lit up to punctuate the audio alarm.
First Officer Maurice Quintal, copilot of Air Canada Flight 143, checked the indicator light to determine the cause of the computer’s complaints. “Something’s wrong with the fuel pump,” he reported.
The mustachioed Captain Pearson pulled out the trusty Boeing handbook, his fingers dashing through the pages to find the specifics of the warning. To his relief, the troubleshooting chart indicated that the situation was not as perilous as it might seem: the fuel pump in the left wing tank was signaling a problem, a minor issue considering that gravity would continue to feed the engines even if the pump failed. [..]’
A grandmother’s reaction to 2 Girls, 1 Cup.
(3.5meg Flash video)
see it here »
<dude> this is belgium at its best
<dude> our minister of defense takes a chopper to fly 60 kms to go see Al Gore's movie about climate change
<dude> beat that
‘A man is caught, by a forest ranger, sitting at a makeshift campfire, and to the ranger’s horror, eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:
JUDGE: “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”
MAN: “Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”
JUDGE: “Proceed.”
see it here »
This is the wiki entry for Syphilis. Why, you ask? Because this small part of it amuses me greatly:
‘Until that time, as Fracastoro notes, syphilis had been called the “French disease” in Italy and Germany, and the “Italian disease” in France. In addition, the Dutch called it the “Spanish disease”, the Russians called it the “Polish disease”, the Turks called it the “Christian disease” or “Frank disease” (frengi) and the Tahitians called it the “British disease”.’
Also, the spiral shape of the organism is cool. That’s all. 🙂
‘Customer: I had an appointment today (Sunday) between 10-12 & nobody came.
Me: OK, tomorrow is the appointment.
Customer: But it was set for the 10th.
Me: Tomorrow is the 10th.
Customer: Somebody is messing with my brain. I have a hand-drawn calendar behind me. So the appointment is for Tuesday, the 10th.
Me: MONDAY, the 10th.
Customer: Whoa, you’re blowin’ my mind here.’
