‘7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me. [..]
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack. [..]
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”. [..]
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody. [..]
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”. [..]
60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command. [..]
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.” [..]
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese. [..]’
I like the wedgie-proof underwear. People should wear things like that, it would be hilarious. 🙂
“Haven’t we met before?”
“Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”
“So what do you do for a living?”
“I’m a female impersonator.”
“I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.”
“You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?”
And he doesn’t even notice..?
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see it here »
‘A man who has proudly showed off his tattoo for 26 years was baffled to realise it actually spelt Coca-Cola.
Vince Mattingley had his name tattooed on his chest in Chinese writing after asking staff at his favourite restaurant to write his name in Chinese symbols.
But a waiter drew the Coke words – and Vince had it etched on his chest.
Vince only realised the mistake when he recently travelled to Thailand and a barman asked him why he had Coca-Cola written on his chest, reports The Sun.’
‘Police in the German city of Stuttgart have been called to round up an unusual group of runaways: crayfish.
The freshwater crustaceans, which resemble lobsters, escaped from an Asian restaurant and made a run, erm, scuttle for it.
The escape attempt was noticed by a pedestrian who notified authorities.
Apparently the crayfish had squeezed through gaps in the grating at the top of the tanks and scuttled out the front door.’
A whole bunch of amusing comic strips.
‘A burglar in Montgomery chose the wrong family to mess with, literally. Adrian and Tiffany McKinnon returned home on Tuesday after a week away to find that thieves had emptied almost everything the family of five owned, Tiffany McKinnon said through tears.
“Tears just rolled down my face as I walked in and saw everything gone and piles of trash all over my home,” she said. [..]
“My husband Adrian caught the thief red-handed in our home,” she said. “And what is even crazier, the man even had my husband’s hat sitting right on his head.”
Adrian McKinnon held the suspect, 33-year-old Tajuan Bullock, at gunpoint and told him to sit on the floor until he decided what to do.
“We made this man clean up all the mess he made, piles of stuff, he had thrown out of my drawers and cabinets onto the floor,” Tiffany McKinnon said.’
‘<JayNiN> So yeah, guys, my dad and I had a big arguement last night…It’s actually pretty fucking awkward.
<SimCard> Yeah? Tell us about.
<JayNiN> Heh, you guys aren’t going to believe this…but anyways.
<JayNiN> So last night, my sister was trying to get her AOL connection shut off (yes, I know…who the fuck still uses AOL?)
<JayNiN> and I decide to go to the regional chatrooms
<JayNiN> 10 minutes in the chatroom, some random guy IMs me and is like "ASL"
<JayNiN> so I fuck around with the guy saying "19/F/WY"
see it here »
Someone has kindly gone to the trouble of captioning the Techno Viking video from the other day.
It makes so much more sense now. 🙂
(12.2meg Flash video)
see it here »
‘Bill Gates met God, and God said, “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this one. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”
Bill Gates said, “What’s the difference between the two?”
God said, “It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?”
Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. “This is great!” said Bill. “If this is Hell, I can’t wait to see Heaven.”
see it here »
<+Shooree> I need advice
<+Nebuduck> I can advise you!!!
<+Nebuduck> here’s my advice
<+Nebuduck> drink asparagus soup
<+Nebuduck> it’ll put hair s on your chest
<+Nebuduck> </advice>
I’ve added another thousand or so pictures to the image site in the past few days. So, hooray for using round numbers as arbitrary milestones, I s’pose. 🙂
As well as that I’ve now added a NSFW filter, so dodgy pictures are not displayed by default unless you’ve allowed them. There’s now also some buttons to let people select an image size, so that the wider images are shrunk down to an appropriate size for everyone’s screen.
And there’s a search box which I’ve stuck on. It’s primarily useful for me in doing some maintenance of the images, but it may be useful for others too. We’ll see..
I still haven’t done much about a ratings system. But it’s still vaguely on it’s way. 🙂
I’ve been fairly entertained whilst looking for images for the site, so I’m hoping I’ve managed to select a good number of amusing images that will keep other people entertained too. Seems to be fairly popular so far, so good stuff. 🙂
‘<Richad34> Oy I had a bad night
<Richad34> I couldn’t sleep, and had no idea what to do. My parents are still awake, it was midnight, and I was bored.
<Richad34> So then I remembered that I had a drama presentation the next class and I played a rich guy so I needed a suit.
<Richad34> I take out my suit, and get dressed. You know, the works. I even took out my top hat and my cane.
<Richad34> Now it gets a little weird. I had to go downstairs in order to see how I looked as it’s the only place with a full body mirror. My parents sleep on the same floor as me so I didn’t want to wake them up.
<Richad34> So I got this idea. I decided to turn on my TV so that my parents thought people were talking outside, and my footsteps would be noises they were making. I thought it would work, I was tired.
see it here »
The image section of the site has been growing rapidly over the past few weeks. It has been keeping me somewhat busy, but it’s good. 🙂
I passed the 2,500 image mark some time in the past couple of days, so there’s many hours of amusement there now. I’ve also been adding a few new features, like the stats page. Most of the popular images are hilarious.
I still haven’t gotten around to adding ratings for the images yet, but that’s on its way.
Anyways, if you haven’t already, go and have a look at some random images. There’s fair chance you’ll find yourself amused. [Atleast, I hope there is.. 🙂 ]
So, according to the wiki there are actually 14 or 15 different commandments listed in the Bible. They’re listed twice, and they say slightly different things in each place, particularly concerning the Sabbath.
Different Christian sects group the commandments together differently, combining them arbitrarily here and there to bring the number down to the official “10”. Some branches of Christianity regard one of the commandments merely as a preface.
And then there’s the Evangelicals:
‘Modern Evangelicalism, under the influence of dispensationalism, commonly denies that the commandments have any abiding validity as a requirement binding upon Christians [..]’
Oh, also, in the proper historical context, “Thou shall not steal” actually means “Thou shall not kidnap”.
Because everyone knows that the wisest people of all are those that stop counting when they run out of fingers. Good effort, fellas. 🙂
Hooray for live concerts.. And video editing. 🙂
(4.4meg Flash video)
see it here »
Hmm.. This video makes me look at my bike helmet and an empty drink bottle sitting next to me with interest. 🙂
(753kB Flash video)
see it here »
‘The 22 members of the Patriots — ages 11 to 14 — were working out again Thursday afternoon. They were in the park Wednesday evening when they saw the crime take place.
“I just seen these two guys walking up to an old man and pull him down from his camera strap, and the old man started hitting him [and] called us to help,” remembered 13-years-old Patriot team member Lafaele “Junior” Siliake.
Police say two teenage boys, 15 and 17 years old, knocked down a 71-year-old man and ran off with his camera. Taylor Leota led the charge as the whole football team took off after the two suspects.
“At first they were jogging,” explained the 13-year-old Leota. “After they see the team coming, they started sprinting. I would have been scared too seeing a football team chasing me; especially one of us.”‘
‘There was a bone of contention about her gender..’
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see it here »
‘This poor unsuspecting kid is minding his own business setting the table for lunch when out of nowhere he gets drilled in the face with an exercise ball.’
(1.3meg Flash video)
see it here »
‘Students in Canada have found a new way to fill time in between lectures – by setting each other on fire for fun.
They douse one another with deodorant spray before using matches or lighters to start the blaze, which leaves students with flames licking their bodies.
Police in Ontario said they were aware of students taking deodorants to school and using them to set each other on fire, usually for no more than a second. [..]
PC Doug Graham from Middlesex Ontario Provincial Police said: ‘This is a fairly common thing around the province. It’s certainly an issue we have to notify parents about.”
‘A convent in southern Italy is being shut down after a quarrel among its last three remaining nuns ended in blows.
Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista, reportedly upset about their mother superior’s authoritarian ways, scratched her in the face and threw her to the ground at Santa Clara convent near Bari in an incident in July that was kept quiet until now.
Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri tried to reconcile the nuns but finally decided in late August that they had “clearly lost their religious vocation” and asked the Vatican for permission to close the convent.
Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista moved to another convent, but Sister Liliana barricaded herself inside, refusing to leave, the reports said.’
When there’s no snow outside, what else are you going to do? 🙂
(2.8meg Flash video)
see it here »
‘One Dylan Stephen Jayne of Pennsylvania filed suit against “Google Internet Search Engine Founders” in Pennsylvania Civil court, seeking the small amount of $5 billion dollars. Jayne claims that his safety is in jeopardy because of Google releasing personal information about him.
Jayne asserts that individuals looking to perform acts of terrorism could obtain his information from Google, making it more likely that he will be detained wrongfully in the future. Jayne’s statement of claim is that, “Dylan Steven Jayne, plaintiff, has a social security number that when the social security number is turned upside down in its entirety it is a scrambled code that does spell the name Google.”‘
