‘I once got talking to a guy whose job it was to go into a company, sit alongside the Systems Administrator for two weeks, and write a professional audit on his processes and practices.
Naturally the sys admin would be on his best behavior, showing off all the clever things he did to keep the company’s computer network ticking over.
At the end of the two weeks, the sys admin would be fired. There was never any audit: this was just the method the company used to replace their IT people without disruption, making sure the new guy was trained up and the old guy didn’t cause any damage before he left.’
Some guy is dared to dip his whole head in a bucket of paint. How can you resist such a dare? 🙂
(3.5meg Flash video)
see it here »
‘You’ve probably never heard of the E70 because Nokia’s marketing team is busy finding every last dick in the universe to suck, so I’m going to do their job for them and tell you about this product. And no, I’m not being paid to do this. I’m just tired of the iPhone fanboys shooting huge sticky wads and high-fiving each other (literally) over their stupid cellphones.
First of all, the E70 has a full keyboard, not some shitty stripped down, tap-and-pray smudgy piece of shit. Nokia uses a technology that’s even more advanced than the iPhone’s tap screen, allowing you to actually feel the keys you press as you’re pressing them! The technology is called “tactile response,” and it allows you to do things like dial a phone number without staring at your screen like a shit-chucking ape. In fact, every other cellphone ever made has this technology, sometimes called “buttons.”‘
‘Tall girl in design with the short brown hair- You have horrendous body odor! I’m not talking a little stench here and there I am talking everyday when you walk into the building people drop dead. I don’t know how you don’t notice it. I’m going to buy you deodorant for Christmas.
Fat woman who works in suite 19- I don’t know exactly what you do for this company, but I know far too much about your personal life. When you talk to your boyfriend on company time, please refrain from telling him it felt so good when he slipped his hard dick into your fat ass! Yea I heard that, and so does everyone else that walks by your suite when you are on the phone. It’s disgusting, and we don’t want to hear about it, so keep your voice down.’
‘I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.’
Hooray for the Lamb of God. 🙂
‘Do you love Harry Potter, but think you’re too old and too awesome to be seen reading the books?
We have the solution, my friend. Print these out and you can safely read your Potter in front of all those ex Navy SEALS at the local strip club.’
I think I might have to start disguising my books as “Memories of a Shark Fucker”. 🙂
‘It’s safe to go back into the waters off Britain — reports of a man-eating shark that have made front page headlines were just a great white lie.
British newspapers reported Thursday that stories they had eagerly followed in recent weeks about sightings of a killer Great White shark lurking in the waters off Cornwall, southwest England, had in fact been made up.
Doorman Kevin Keeble sparked the media feeding frenzy when he sent pictures to his local paper of a shark he photographed during a fishing trip to South Africa, jokingly claiming the photo was taken near the British surfing resort of Newquay.
“I didn’t expect anyone would be daft enough to take it seriously,” newspapers quoted him as saying. “I can’t believe the story went so big.”‘
‘The 2007 Miles Franklin Award winner will be among hundreds of books no longer stocked by Australia’s biggest bookstore chain, Angus & Robertson, from the end of next week.
Tower Books, which distributes Alexis Wright’s novel Carpentaria, is among the smaller Australian distributors and publishers which have received a letter from A&R demanding a payment if they want their books to be sold by the company’s 180 bookstores around the country.
The letter from A&R Whitcoulls Group’s commercial manager, Charlie Rimmer, said “over 40 per cent of our supplier agreements fall below our requirements in terms of profit earned” and “invites” recipients to pay amounts said to range between $2500 and $20,000 by August 17.’
The response letter from Tower Books is absolutely hilarious.
‘In one fell swoop this big guy ruins summer for everyone.’
(3.7meg Flash video)
see it here »
Here’s a comic book from 1987. Nobody can beat Chuck Norris, not even ninjas.
‘Next time think twice before you threaten a bunch of kids!’
‘A woman attacked a karaoke singer belting out Coldplay on Thursday night, telling him he “sucked” before she pushed and punched him to get him to stop singing, bar staff said.
The man was singing “Yellow” when it happened.
“It took three or four of us to hold her down,” bartender Robert Willmette said.
When she was escorted outside, the 21-year-old woman “went crazy,” Willmette said, throwing punches at him and others, including an off-duty police officer.
Patrol officers and detectives then arrived at the neighborhood bar and blocked off the street, which inflamed the woman’s rage even more, a police report said. Before police could handcuff the woman, she headbutted the off-duty officer at least twice.’
‘There’s a “new” over-the-counter drug available in the US that’s apparently flying off the shelves. It’s called alli (note the way trendy lower case!) and I use the term “new” loosely because it’s apparently a lower strength version of a prescription-only drug (Xenical) that’s been around for a while.
So what does this incredibly popular wonder drug do? Well, not to go all Bill Clinton on you, but it depends on what your definition of “do” is. You see, there’s (1)what the drug company markets it as, (2)the medical description of what it does and (3)the biggest effect you’re actually going to notice.
The drug company markets it as a weight loss pill. They say it will give “safe, effective weight loss”. Because it’s FDA approved it must be good. What could possibly go wrong?’
This is a repost, but the translations of the drugs warning information amused me.
‘This guy is friggin awesome! For a moment he breaks out of the surfer stereotype and gives a well worded response to a news reporter regarding the recent weather in LA.’
(1.1meg Flash video)
see it here »
If you want to learn maths, I’d recommend a school other than the Castle Hills First Baptist School. An except from their curriculum:
‘CALCULUS
Students will examine the nature of God as they progress in their understanding of mathematics. Students will understand the absolute consistency of mathematical principles and know that God was the inventor of that consistency. Mathematical study will result in a greater appreciation of God and His works in creation. The students will understand the basic ideas of both differential and integral calculus and its importance and historical applications. The students will recognize that God created our minds to be able to see that the universe can be calculated by mental methods.’
‘You’ve reached the Badass of the Week, your one-stop shop for all things badassery-related. Scroll down for this week’s badass, or just go ahead and search through the complete list of all badasses that have been featured on the site. I update the page every Friday, so if you give a crap feel free to check back in next week to satisfy your insatiable desire to read about grown people punching each other in the mouth or beating each other about the head and neck in a most furious manner.’
‘President Bush is worried about a new threat to America and is asking congress to approve a $50 billion defense supplemental. They are after your children!’
(5.3meg Flash video)
see it here »
‘Jim Cramer from CNBCs Mad Money has a total meltdown last week after the stock market took a slide. This guy is reportedly worth $100 million, if I had that much money I would not be freaking out at things like this.’
(6.0meg Flash video)
see it here »
A pastor says “tits” by accident during a sermon. This was followed up by a candid camera prank where the pastor is told he’s in all sorts of trouble.
(3.1 and 13.9meg Flash videos)
see it here »
‘Today I come rushing home because it’s the end of the semester and I have finals coming up and I need to write two papers tonight so that I can go camping this holiday weekend with peace of mind so I get home and GIL says, hey honey, you’re just in time! I’m cooking french fries!
Oh that’s good, I say, because I haven’t eaten yet and I have all this work to do. Let me just put my bike away. I walk into the kitchen and notice my computer’s not on the kitchen table. Which. Means. It’s…. oh, SHIT!!!!
I open the over door. No fries. Just one miserable looking laptop. (STOP: EXPLANATION OF WHY I KEEP MY LAPTOP IN THE OVEN: I keep it there because I live in a high crime area in a house with windows that don’t even lock. I figure the oven’s actually a very safe place. Who would think to look there for valuables? and if the house burns down the computer’d be okay. The system worked just fine when I was living alone.)’
‘A library patron suspected of selling hundreds of books, tapes and DVDs he had borrowed has cost Denver-area libraries tens of thousands of dollars, officials said.
Thomas Pilaar, 33, was suspected of using different names to obtain seven library cards from the Denver Public Library, then checking out 300 items per card and selling at least some of the items, KCNC-TV in Denver reported.
“It appears his intent was to sell 2,100 (items) from the Denver Library collection,” Denver Public Library spokeswoman M. Celeste Jackson told the station. She estimated the losses at about $35,000.’
‘An Indian suspect was forced by police to eat 50 bananas as a laxative, to retrieve a necklace he was accused of stealing and swallowing.
When the bananas failed to produce the desired effect, police fed Sheikh Mohsin rice, chicken and local bread.
Finally the necklace, which appeared on an X-ray taken on the suspect, was excreted and retrieved.
Mr Mohsin will appear in court on Monday in the eastern city of Calcutta, and could face a prison sentence.’
