‘I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge:
1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it’s just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!)
2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I’m a major tramp who’s just asking for it.
3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina’s freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.
4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.
5. To never have premarital sex, because Jesus doesn’t want anyone messing around inside my girly hole until after His church makes some money off a wedding.’
‘A smudge of driveway sealant resembling the face of Jesus Christ has fetched more than $1,500 in an online auction.
The family that found the image on its garage floor sold it for $1,525.69 on eBay Wednesday, more than a week after the slab of concrete was put on sale.
“I really never thought I’d get any, to be honest,” said Deb Serio, a high school teacher.’
The fathers who write that eternity is used to fight the sword have filled you up with the devil’s cock.
He’ll come in the name of the Lord.
see it here »
Moses seems to have some sort of magical frogs.
Jesus is no match for magic frogs.
That’s the mechanical jack-rabbit for the clit.
(22.5meg Flash video)
see it here »
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‘A planned Holy Week exhibition of a nude, anatomically correct chocolate sculpture of Jesus Christ was canceled Friday amid a choir of complaining Catholics that included Cardinal Edward Egan.
The “My Sweet Lord” display was shut down by the hotel that houses the Lab Gallery in midtown Manhattan, said Matt Semler, the gallery’s creative director. Semler said he submitted his resignation after officials at the Roger Smith Hotel shut down the show.
The six-foot sculpture was the victim of “a strong-arming from people who haven’t seen the show, seen what we’re doing,” Semler said. “They jumped to conclusions completely contrary to our intentions.”
But word of the confectionary Christ infuriated Catholics, including Egan, who described it as “a sickening display.” Bill Donohue, head of the watchdog Catholic League, said it was “one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever.”‘
‘Brace yourself. James Cameron, the man who brought you ‘The Titanic’ is back with another blockbuster. This time, the ship he’s sinking is Christianity. [..]
Let’s go back 27 years, when Israeli construction workers were gouging out the foundations for a new building in the industrial park in the Talpiyot, a Jerusalem suburb. of Jerusalem. The earth gave way, revealing a 2,000 year old cave with 10 stone caskets. Archologists were summoned, and the stone caskets carted away for examination. It took 20 years for experts to decipher the names on the ten tombs. They were: Jesua, son of Joseph, Mary, Mary, Mathew, Jofa and Judah, son of Jesua.’
‘Scores of police have been sent to the jungles of remote Papua New Guinea to hunt for a cult leader known as the Black Jesus, who is said to have sacrificed three young women to the devil and eaten their bodies.
In one case reported by villagers, a mother who had fallen under the cult leader’s spell led her 14-year-old daughter to his hideout, offered her to him as a virgin then stabbed her to death.
The Black Jesus, 31-year-old Steven Tari, started his cult last year after he was expelled from a Bible college for stealing from fellow students.’
`Tom Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientology, according to leaders of the cult-like religion.
The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout the world.
And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.
A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure.
“Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”’
Something about a cup of tea and Jesus Christ.
see it here »
`Who is going to care for your pets after you are raptured into heaven?
Many Christians believe that animals do not go to heaven. So when Jesus comes back and you return with him to heaven, will there be somebody to take care of your dog or cat? [..]
With the imminent collapse of the global economy and rampant godlessness, even the community shelters will not have the resources to care for your poor, hungry animals. So you need to make preparations.
Thats what JesusPets is for. We are assembling a community of heathen pet-lovers to care for pets that are left-behind. We are coordinating with feed mills and kennels in preparation for your post-apocalyptic pet care needs.’
`In 1983, as the residents of Calcata, a small town 30 miles north of Rome, prepared for their annual procession honoring a holy relic, a shocking announcement from the parish priest put a damper on festivities. “This year, the holy relic will not be exposed to the devotion of the faithful. It has vanished. Sacrilegious thieves have taken it from my home.” Not since the Middle Ages, when lopped-off body parts of divine do-gooders were bought, sold, and traded, has relic theft been big news. But the mysterious disappearance of Calcata’s beloved curio is different.
This wasn’t just the residuum of any holy humannor was it just any body part. It was the foreskin of Jesus Christ, the snipped-off tip of the savior’s penis, the only piece of his body he supposedly left on earth.’
`A board member at the Melbourne Islamic school which recently expelled students for desecrating the Bible has been bashed by a man who claims he’s Jesus and who police fear is armed. [..]
Mr Mohandis told Southern Cross Broadcasting the man claimed to be Jesus.
He said security at the school would be increased.
“I still have scars to my head,” he said.’
`Bihari: most officially dead person
Lal Bihari (born 1961) is a farmer from Uttar Pradesh, India who was officially dead from 1976 to 1994. He founded Mritak Sangh or the Association of the Dead in Uttar Pradesh, India. He fought Indian government bureaucracy for 18 years to prove that he is alive. [..]
Bawden: the self-elected Pope Michael I, from Kansas
[..] Sedevacantists argue that if the College of Cardinals will not or cannot elect a valid pope, ordinary Catholics can do so, under the principle of “Epikeia” (Equity). Acting on the basis of this, David Bawden was elected Pope by six people on 1990 (including himself and his parents). He is still on the job to this day.’
`Angus MacDougall is a three-year-old terrier mix that has recently been blessed with the revered and holy image of Jesus Christ on his hindquarters. Is this manifestation of The Prince of Peace a coincidence or a bona fide miracle? One thing is for certain, this apparition of the Son of God is sure to inspire controversy. Not much if any true scientific or theological inquiry has been made into the nature of this sign to date, but “seeing is believing” as little Angus’ terrier-tush is obviously marked by the likeness of Christ.’
‘The late Kenneth Hagin and not-late Kenneth Copeland are seen here during a pastor’s conference in which the crowd was worked up into quite a state. “Holy Laughter”, “Spiritual Drinkenness”, dancing, thrashing about, falling out, speaking in tongues, mooing (yes, you read that right) and various and sundry other so-called pentecostal manifestions.
It becomes evident that in a room full of preachers and their wives, especially of the crazy holy-roller persuasion, no one wants to be seen as being left out or not being spiritual. So…. these kinds of mass-mind outbursts tend to snowball.’
(14.8meg Flash video)
see it here »
`Insurers have withdrawn the cover on their virginity taken out by three sisters in the event of the second coming of Christ. [..]
Mr Burgess said: “The people were concerned about having sufficient funds if they immaculately conceived. It was for caring and bringing up the Christ. [..]
The burden of proof that it was Christ had rested with the women and any premium on the insurance was donated to charity, said Mr Burgess.
The siblings had paid 100 annually since 2000. If they had secured a payout, they stood to receive 1m.’
`A man portraying Jesus during a passion play in Mexico City has been taken to hospital after he fell from the cross.
The 29-year-old actor hit his head on the ground after falling up to three metres yesterday as he was being lowered to be laid in a tomb, television reports said.’
`An Alaska high school violated a student’s free speech rights by suspending him after he unfurled a banner reading “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” across the street from the school, a federal court ruled Friday.
Joseph Frederick, a student at Juneau-Douglas High School in Alaska, displayed the banner which refers to smoking marijuana in January 2002 to try to get on television as the Olympic torch relay was passing the school.’
